She had found what she’d been looking for. And, I knew it wasn’t me

Today I cried at work. I cried for approximately 22 minutes and 15 seconds in the stairwell that separates my company’s office and the Colorado Democratic party headquarters. I cried from the stairwell to my bus stop, from the bus stop to my door step and then my door step to my bed where I continued to cry for another hour. Unfortunately, this extreme display of emotion captured the attention of several coworkers who began to question both the validity of my tears and the male coworker seen talking to me only 20 minutes earlier. That –the confusion about who to blame and why– I regret.

The conversation should’ve been simple, an agreement to disagree. What the conversation turned into was a blame game between him and I, in which we pointed fingers and cited unrelated incidences as evidence to back us up. Our goals got lost in the emotions of trying to be right and that’s where it all went wrong. We forgot what we were fighting for. The truth is we were both right and we were both wrong. We let our egos guide our mouths and my heart suffered the consequences. He said a few coworkers thought I was arrogant, over-bearing, and disrespectful, that I felt my opinions were more sacred than theirs. The word bit*h came pouring out  and it felt colder than usual. I tried turning to leave the conversation when he turned his body blocking me in to explain that by walking away I was proving everything that everyone thought about me- true or not- correct. That’s when it hit me.

As much as I’d like to write, “haters gone hate” and move on with my life the truth is there is a part of us all that wants so desperately to be both loved and accepted. And at my job I don’t feel that way. I feel liked and respected. This  is nice when it comes to projects and data because it’s black and white. I can quantify the effectiveness of my ideas. People like what I have to offer. But, life isn’t black and white. And, we aren’t always working on projects. And if I am by chance arrogant, over-bearing, and disrespectful to my coworkers, even if it’s only the 5 he mentioned, I humbly apologize. That is never the person I want to be.  I realized that I wasn’t mad at him, I was mad at myself. So I cried.

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